Hey loves ! I missed you guys ! So I’m always asked is it hard to be celibate and for suggestions to get started so here they are ! First and foremost I would suggest that you watch Pastor Toure Roberts sermon on sexual wholeness( https://m.youtube.com/watch?t=2075s&v=FiUHXr_qwR0 ) This thoroughly describes the spiritual aspect of sex. It blew me away! Even if you’re not pursuing celibacy, it’s definitely worth listening to.
So can I be completely honest? When I first started the journey of celibacy it was easy because I had just ended a relationship, sex was the furthest thing from my mind and I wasn’t really dating anyone that I was attracted to. Initially, I was just dating out of boredom and to get over the break up. (Big mistake…HUGE waste of time). It wasn’t until I healed from the relationship and began dating someone that was my type in every way that I was able to see that celibacy actually requires work. I remember thinking oh no I’m in trouble. Lol Initially I wasn’t prepared at all. So here are a few things that I’ve found to be helpful along the way.
Tip # 1 Establish boundaries. Be very honest with yourself and get to know your triggers. Some people think my boundaries are ridiculous but they’re in place because I know myself and I want this to be as easy as possible. For example, I don’t ride in the same car with the guy I’m dating at night. Why? Because I’m super affectionate and I’d rather not leave that door open to get the googly eyes and stir up a bunch of feelings of lust. So of course staying the night at guys houses, sleeping in the same bed, Netflix and chill are all out of the question for me personally. Yours may be different. We’re all different but setting boundaries and knowing where to draw the line has been a huge help!
Tip #2 Express your boundaries and expectations upfront. Never be afraid to communicate your boundaries to the person that you’re dating. Voicing your boundaries sets the tone for the relationship and it gives your significant other something to respect. Day 1 I hit them with the “Hey I’m Jamilah. I’m celibate until marriage and these are my boundaries. What about you?” Some welcome it. Some don’t. I never take it personal and neither should you. Anyone that doesn’t respect your boundaries is a clear indicator that they’re just not the one for you. Communicating your expectations and boundaries is also super helpful because the last thing you want is to have someone making a move on you because they weren’t aware of your expectations. There won’t be any confusion down the line or any “Oh you never said that in the beginning.” So it’s best to clearly outline your boundaries and discuss expectations.
Tip #3 Remember why you’re doing it. My ultimate reason for pursuing celibacy is because I want to live a life that honors God in public and in private. I also want a strong relationship with God. I felt so far from God when I was sexually active. I always felt like it was something hindering our relationship from growing stronger and it was sex. So I always try to keep my purpose clear in my mind to silence distractions. Keep in mind that you made the commitment for a reason, practice discipline, and remember God will always give you a way out.
Tip #4 Get an accountability partner. An accountability partner that is on the same page as you, that understands your goal, that won’t judge you but will correct you in love is so vital. It’ll make the journey much easier. I let her know when I put myself in compromising situations and I celebrate moments of strength with her. She then provides constructive feedback and advice to get me back on track. This is huge !
Tip #5 Prayer I continuously pray. I prayed for God to help me. I prayed for help with controlling my thoughts. I prayed for God to renew my mind and for my outlook on love and relationships to change and be purified. You might need to change the music you listen to, the shows you watch, or get off the explore page on Instagram. Prayer will have you making some changes with a renewed mind. You’ll begin to understand the power of premarital sex and why it’s important to abstain from it.
So those are things that helped me during my journey. It’s challenging but so worth it. Beautiful things happen in your life when you become celibate. Your focus shifts. You experience true clarity. Your faith grows. Your discipline grows. Your relationship with God grows. It improves communication. It shows you the hearts of people quickly. You’re truly able to see people for who they are. There’s no make up sex to distract you from fulfilling your expectations of the relationship. Also being celibate redefined my perception of intimacy. Intimacy isn’t just physical. Intimacy is emotional, spiritual and mental. During celibacy you experience intimacy on a completely different level that you may have never experienced before. I experienced true intimacy for the first time when I became celibate and it really blew my mind because it was so foreign to me despite being in long term relationships in the past and showed me how much I was selling myself short.
Society has us thinking that sex is nothing and it’s just an act that is easy to detach from. They neglect to show how sex is the glue that typically holds many dysfunctional relationships together, it keeps people with the cheating ex, in the abusive relationships, and ignites pain and feelings of unworthiness once the relationship dissolves. It has an ugly side and no one wants to talk about that.
Celibacy has given me an overwhelming sense of peace and has been one of the greatest decisions I’ve ever made. To me it’s an expression of self love and self respect. If you’ve been on the fence about it, I strongly encourage it. If you need encouragement or an accountability partner I’m definitely here for you! I love you !
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